Seven years ago around this time was the last time you were by my side, though we both know you were already gone I just didn't know it at the time. You came to Norfolk for the weekend and we spent the whole time at my dad's high. It was one of the best and then worst memories I have of you. While you were with me it was like you were never gone. I believed you when you said that you would come there to stay, that is until you left. The entire weekend I was lying to myself, but the moment you left I knew that you were gone. As I watched your truck drive away I had that knowing feeling deep inside my heart, head, and the most truth telling-my stomach. When I went inside I tried to hide in the nearest room, but of course Candi followed. She tried to assure me that you would return, but I knew better and I cried. Perhaps that's why, or perhaps it was the drugs, that I was able to let go of our relationship and try to move on. I figured that you would move on too, that you would be okay and perhaps one day we would run into each other when I went to GI to visit. This was seven years ago sometime around right now. I wish I could remember exactly, but I was just as heavily using in Norfolk as we were in GI so all of those days until the day you were killed are kind of hazy. It must have been divine influence that I just happened to be home on November 22nd when PoppaWop called Candi's phone, because I was high and usually I was never there when I was high. At first I didn't understand what he was telling me, he had to repeat parts of it several times. My mind just couldn't put it together that he was actually talking about you. The Marty I knew wouldn't have been there, but it is true that the last time I saw you, you were gone. Once I put everything he was saying together I was too upset to hold on to the phone and stand. I am not sure but I think that Candi got on the phone to find out what was wrong. I couldn't and didn't want to believe it, I even called Tracy and Ramey to try and get a different truth. Ramey said it was bullshit, but Tracy was at the bar and you were already on the news. I don't remember the rest of that day except that Barry was there, he knew how much I loved you and waited patiently until we were over. I never loved him like he loved me, but I am grateful he was there...now he is in heaven too. The next day we watched Romeo and Juliet and at the end he whispered that I had better not do the same...how the hell did he know the reason I chose that movie? My friend Ryan came to Norfolk to get me so I could go to GI and find out the details and when the funeral was going to be. We met PoppaWop at the bar and from there we went to your dad's. I hugged him and hugged Pegamoose...I can't fucking believe that all this shit was over her! Ok so it wasn't, she was just the jumping point, the drugs are the beginning. Between your dad and PoppaWop, I got the entire story and I was in shock...honestly I can't remember feeling anything. I promised your dad that I would keep in contact, I did for a while and I think I need to again. When we left there I was taken to Stacy's apartment and thats when I remember feeling again...it was anger, jealousy, and pure hatred. She flaunted all of your stuff and your pictures and told of all the great times you had together....funny only 2 months before that you hated her, but I never told her that. Then I felt a feeling that I have to carry with me everyday...truly loved. She told me that you talked about me, how much you loved me, how much you missed me, and that everything fell apart once I was gone. She told me that you moved me to Norfolk because you wanted me to have a chance, get off the drugs, and have a normal life...you knew that I would never have a chance in GI, the meth capital of the world. Stacy assured me that it broke your heart, but that you thought I deserved a chance. I guess you didn't realize that in Norfolk, I could find dope just as easy. Stacy gave me your goofy hat (the one you put on that day and acted silly) and she also gave me a purse. I hadn't used in many many hours so I went the one place I knew to find some sort of drug, Janele's. While me and Ryan sat there smoking pot, she went on about how rightious your death was, how you went out in a blaze of glory, made it on the front page and the top news...she said that you would have wanted it this way. No amount of weed could have stopped me from the hate I felt for her right then. How could the one person that had lost her mother and understood when I was sad about mine, possibly be trying to tell me that this was ok? There is nothing about it that is ok...it will never be "ok". When I left her apartment all I wanted was to escape, I didn't want to be in GI feeling, I wanted to go home and be high...so I left. When I got home I did get high, but then I went to bed for a while...I remember Candi making me come out for Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't think I ate that much...I went back to bed. I realized that I didn't just want to be high, I wanted to be with you...I wanted to die. I was on a path of self-destruction and I didn't care who I hurt along the way. Barry was over supportive, but eventually I drove him to the point of having Ryan take me to Columbus. Ryan was a good enabler and I used every drug he had, plus when Barry came to visit, I used his. I stopped letting others prepare my hits and I put obscene amounts on those spoons. Everyone I used with voiced concerns or got uncomfortable over the amounts I used...yet no one had the courage to stop me. I thought no one knew, but no that I am clean I know they did...I was trying to join you. Even being high couldn't stop the thoughts, feelings, and memories. March 2004 I became sick but continued using...a few days later Ryan was telling me that I was sick (I had a fever so bad I was shaking) but I was still asking him for more dope. That's the last thing I remember that day, I didn't get anymore dope, instead I passed out and taken to the hospital. I think it was the next day that I woke up, confused with Ryan standing there worried. The doctor said that I had contracted a blood infection that had spread throughout my body because I didn't get help right away. He said that I almost died....I got scared. I just wanted to stop hurting, I didn't want to miss you anymore or live with what happened...I thought the only cure was death. I went to treatment in Lincoln and I even stayed clean for almost 2 years. I met perhaps the only man that I could ever love this much, I didn't ever think I could love this much. I am back on track, I have over 20 months clean and I really think that you would be proud of me. I am taking your wish for me to heart because today I know that I have a chance...I just wish you had. I am working steps and part of them is letting go, making amends, and forgiving myself...I am not sure I can do all these things. Most of the time a thought of you makes me smile, but there are still dark times when I am selfish I'd rather have you here...like this time of year. Hopefully this won't last til after Thanksgiving.
Goodbye 11-18-2005
If I had known that night, it was our last goodbye-I would've begged you not to go
I would've cried, I would've tried-but there was no way for us to know
Time can pass so quickly-I can't believe I've come this far
When it seems like just yesterday that I held you in my arms
For a while I felt as if I couldn't go on-Meth was my escape
It seemed as if your path was the one that I would take
I was almost there, thankfully I got scared-I guess the heavens will have to wait
It was hard and there are scars, but at least I'm not too late
Now I live for me and I live for you-I hope that makes you smile
Cause that's the way I'll remember you-I made you happy for a while
Life goes on, I have moved on-I am ready to say goodbye
That doesn't mean I won't think of you-I will live on and let you die
Goodbye
Perhaps if I say it enough times it will be true! I love you Marty, I miss you Marty...please smile!
No comments:
Post a Comment