Losing My Religion but Gaining Spirituality

I grew up with a preacher for a grandfather and a grandmother who played the organ in our Nazarene church. I attended every Sunday morning, Wednesday nights, youth fundraisers, and I went to church camp during the summer. I knew all of the stories, comandments, what to do, what not to do, and I even had every chapter's name memorized in order from Genisis to Revelations. I sung every song, recited every prayer, participated in every program, and even began doing Bible Debating there towards the end. I was suppose to believe everything that the church told me about how we got here, all the miracles that happened, what constitutes as a hell-worthy or heaven-worthy act, and that if I follow all of their rule, I will be saved. SAVED! That is such a funny concept now that I am where I am looking back. My grandparents were dead by the time I turned 12 years old and until then, they were the ones who took me to church and funded all of my after school activities. In a nutshell, they tried to save me from the insanity of drugs, alcohol, parties, and abuse that was going on at home. Once they were gone there was no one left to save me, not even God. Soon enough I found my little escapes . At first it was the little things I could control like not eating, exercizing, and acts of self harm. Later I began drinking, using drugs, sneaking out at night, skipping school, dating (sex), and eventually running away. Even after going to juvenile jail and being made a ward of the state, I had to keep escaping, it had become an addiction. When I got placed in a christian group home in a tiny town far away from home it seemed as if I was safe again, safe enough to not have to escape. I hated the local Mennonite churches, but I was doing good in school and had little problems with the rules. One summer we went to a college campus for camp and this college was affiliated with a church. This church seemed to make sense to me and my house parents found a way for me to be able to go there on the Sundays when I wasn't on home visits. Ahhh yes, the home visits....the stupidist thing ever thought of by this state when the home is still as insane as when the child was taken. Sure at the time I thought my weekends and weeks during the summer were the best, what teenager wouldn't? I got everything I wanted and was allowed to anything because my mother was too drunk to care or perhaps because she was trying to gain my forgiveness for the hell that was my childhood...who knows? Eventually I wanted to go home and that want was more powerful then my good grades, acceptance letters from universities, my friends, and the warm fuzzy feelings I recieved when I attended church or listened to my christian tapes. I had spent 3 years in that group home being as perfect as anyone could possibly be in hopes of being good enough to go home, yet I was still there with no hopes in the near future. Then one day, in a moment of extreme anger, I did something that was completely out of character for me, I beat the shit out of a house parent. I was then told that when it comes to violence, I would only get 2 chances and then they would kick me out....really bad thing to tell a 16 year old who wants to leave. So I waited about a week and decided one day, eventhough I was not angry, to beat the shit out of the same houseparent again. Perhaps that was the moment when I lost my religion for good. After that I was terrified that the judge would send me somewhere worse, now looking back, he did. I was sent back to live with my mother for the first time in 3 years. When her boyfriend began abusing me a few months later, I knew that there was no one, nothing, and there sure as hell wasn't the God I knew watching over me or protecting me. Over the years I have realized what any christian does not want their children to figure out and that is that I have the right to choose my own faith. Oh this is definently a right that I use to its fullest potential. Before the drugs became as heavy as they ended up getting, I had times of what some might call soul searching. I studied every religion, cult, myth, spirituality, science, and I even studied Satanism. I realize today that the only thing I have ever wanted was to have something to believe in because I couldn't believe in myself, God, or the people around me. I became interested in Native American spirituality, Asian cultures, Pagan religions, and the beliefs of gods and goddesses in many different countries around the world. I tried to just follow one, but it never worked for me, there was always something about it that I could pick apart with science and logic. The Pagan religions and beliefs made the most sense to me, but by then I was already too far into my drug use to really get into it. My many years of being assaulted, raped, used, having guns to my head, and doing unspeakable things to get more drugs were more evidence to me that the god I once knew had left me. The first time I went to treatment I was told that I had to have a higher power and that it didn't matter what my higher power was. This was so hard for me to believe with the word god in almost every sentence of the recovery book I had. But I chose a higher power, which at the time was exactly what it is now....the horned god and the mother goddess. I was actually told at that treatment center that I had chosen the wrong higher power, that my higher power wasn't "real enough" to keep me clean. I was high within 48 hours of leaving treatment. I had a couple of more treatment centers and one time I was able to stay clean for almost 2 years, but I didn't have anything to believe in because I couldn't believe in their god and I thought I wasn't allowed to have the higher powers that I wanted...the ones I could believe in. This time around I am doing this for me, which means I don't give a fuck if others disapprove of my beliefs. It is still hard in meetings when the word god is mentioned or during the serenity prayer, but I have learned to just skip that word. I also still have issues with others not liking my choices when it comes to spirituality. I have doubled my practices in Paganism and I have begun to study further into it. Today my higher power changes with each moment according to what is happening then. When I am in nature my higher power can be nature itself, or the gods and goddesses associated with every aspect of nature here on earth, above, or below. When I pray, there doesn't have to be a name to it...sometimes there is though since there are gods and goddesses associated to just about everything in life. I love to celebrate the sabbats, equinoxes, and solstices. I am able to look at the world around me and see the blessings in every season, animal, person, plant, or experience. I am also able to see all that is wrong and I feel compelled to make it right again. Have I chosen the right path of spirituality? For you, probably not, but for me....yes I have!