A Possible Book in the works

I started this blog a while ago, and I know that I have not mantained it well, but a spark has lit me this week which comes from the first time I wrote on here and the Title I gave this blog...I do plan to use my blogs as reference because at times I did have good things to say instead of just blabber.

Immortality

If nothing else tells the world what bipolar is, it the the ones (like me) who are obsessed with vampires. Vampires are as we all well know, immortal: meaning cannot die no matter what kind of mental anguish they are in. In the immortal words of Freddy Mercury, who wants to live forever? I look at vampires and fall in love with their immortality and that they in a way live many lives. But yet in my life I carry so much pain. I really don't think that they give vampires Lithium or Valium. I am not saying that after typing this I am going to throw out every vampire book, dvd, or other items and swear off them...not ever gonna happen. I am just saying that it is an odd choice and I am not alone in this. Look at the majority of true vampire fanatics..how many of them have issues such as depression or bibolar? Immortality would mean having to live forever with what is in my head. Having to watch everyone I ever care about grow old and die. Look at the Anne Rice novels or even Dracula...there was great pain carried with them into their immortal lives and they suffered terribly from it. One good point to being immortal would be that any suicide attempts, addictions, or self harm would be useless. But still, I can't stand my pain now and eventually I will die and the pain will end. Yes I will see loved ones die in my life, but it won't be all of them. I think that I would actually be a terrible vampire, I would have Lestat complaining about my whinning all the time. Perhaps the attraction to vampires is because of the ones that are able to completly forget their human lives as well as the feelings. I don't know, I am just reambling now. I had this thought and had to get it out of my head. FYI I am still in love with vampires and yes if offered I would still become one...who knows maybe it would be different.

November 22 Congratulations Bubby

I know I will never get the chance to have my brother back now that everything has been said and done, but I still love him no matter what. I found out that around 3PM today, he will be getting married. So I am sending out "Congratulations Bubby" and wishes of good luck through the voice in my heart..I hope he hears it, even if he ignores it.

November 22 Thank You Marty

Dear Marty,
     Seven years ago I lost you and for a while I lost me too. Before you left us you moved me out of that black hole of a town that keeps so many stuck there, carcasses with no souls, zombies with only 2 desires, meth and more. You wanted to give me a chance, you wanted me to have a life. When your life ended I had already been using still, but after you were gone I used even more. I could never let go of you or heal because I used instead of coping...when I felt pain I used some more. I hope that you are proud now when you check in on me. I have more time clean than I have had since I was 12 on February 2nd I will have 2 years. It amazes me everyday how many things I once thought to be impossible really aren't and that I of all people am accomplishing them. I never planned to love after you, I thought it impossible to find real love, but here I sit happily married for over 5 years and still madly in love with him. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would make it to college, now I am a term and a half away from graduation and if I keep my grades where they are or higher, I will graduate with honors. Other things you wanted for me: to have my family back, to see the miracles everywhere, to stop being selfish and give back somehow, to sing and dance again, to love myself and others again, to hope, to dream, to heal, to let go, to smile, to laugh, to make myself and the world a better place: to just be happy: to live! I can't tell you that I have every one of these things every minute, hour, day, or even week but the point is that I have them again. All the things you wanted for me I am striving to have and to hold on to, but I believe that wherever you are your hopes, wishes, dreams for me have helped me. I dreaded this day for the past month, I thought I would fall to pieces today. You know what? I think I am going to be ok. I miss you with every fiber of my being, but I accept that you are gone and that I am powerless over it..I can't bring you back and holding on as tightly as I have has only caused me more pain. I am willing to let you go Marty, though at times I might pull you back, but the point is that I am willing. I don't have to hold on to hold you in my heart and I don't have to be sad when I remember what we had. I will always love you, always miss you, always remember you, and I will always cherish you.
     So now I want to thank you. Thank you for that smile the one that made your eyes sparkle, thank you for finding me, thank you for holding me, thank you for loving me, thank you for listening, thank you for talking to me, thank you the memories, thank you for the feeling, and above all else: thank you for believing in me. Today I will not mourn your death, instead I will celebrate your life and for once smile when I think of you...I hope that makes you smile, that's how I'll remember you, I made you happy for a while.
I will love you forever and miss you til we meet again!
Ruth <3

All I Wanted to Do Was Go Home

All of my life I have just been wanting to go home in some way or another. When I was in foster homes and the group home as a teenager, home was the only thing I wanted. Once I got home and my world had changed, all I wanted was the home I thought I remembered from before. Every time I left to live in another state, it was home I thought I was coming home to on a bus. For many years my version of wanting to go home was the same as when my mother would say it in tears..heaven. It occured to me that up til now, I never really had a home, just a glass house. Home is a place where you feel safe and loved. Home is a place where you can retreat when the world outside is moving too fast. Home is where you won't be judged for your thoughts, emotions, or even mental illness. I have a home now with a husband that loves me who has made this my home. That last week in October...all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't want to lose my brother and nieces. I didn't want to be hated, called hurtful names, or told that he hopes I die. We went to Montana for what was suppose to be his wedding. Before we left, he informed us that he didn't have enough money to get there and asked if we could loan him money and he woule pay us back that Friday. We got dumped at his fiance's brothers with my nephew Wednesday while he took off 300 miles away to his bitch's house but not before asking for 20 of the 25 dollars we had left. The brother that were staying with and his fiance were to get married on Saturday too (double wedding), thank the gods and goddesses that they were decent people who let us stay there, fed us, and even gave us smokes when we ran out. My brother had to stay where he was 300 miles away til Friday when he could get money out of his account, plus because of his unplanned, never prepareness-he wasn't gonna be able to get married because money and marriage license had to be to the judge 2 days prior to the wedding. My brother, his 2 daughters, his fiance, and her 2 kids finally showed up Saturday morning. He told me that his check was smaller than he thought it would be and that he could only give me $20...we left home with $150! We all got ready for the wedding, since the couple we were staying with were smart enough to get all the stuff done so they could marry. I enjoyed helping the bride get ready for the wedding and afterward we offered to watch the child so that they could go stay in a motel. My brother's whore was the complete oppisite of her brother, I already knew all this from the drama she caused everyday when my brother wasn't there. Everytime I said anything she gave nasty looks, at one point after the wedding I walked up to her and my brother to talk to him, she gave me a dirty look and then blatently turned around with her back to me. Right after the reception everyone who showed up that morning got back in the car and again went 300 miles away, we were still stuck with no money, hurt feelings, and tempers flaring. It was revealed to us the next day that it would take my brother another day to get back to us so we could go home...home thats all I fucking wanted! I called my dad to get us bus tickets and made sure that my brother's cunt's brother and his wife were ok with my nephew staying with them til my brother got there. I texted my brother to tell him we were going home and he began making threats. Words were said, everyone got angry and hurt...in the end we all lost someone. We had a layover in Denver and my phone was working there, I had one text from my brother...You are dead to me. When I got home, on facebook and another site..the same words. When our mother died I asked him how he was doing, and said "She was dead to me a long time ago". Over the past few weeks way too much has happened and way too fast. My nephew refuses to go to his house on home visits, my brother's ex wife who was unaware of his plans of moving to Montana with their children now knows, and child services has been emailed pictures of his disgusting house. I have been called a judus bitch plus many other names and I have been told by him that he hopes I die. I didnt mean for any of this to happen, I just wanted to go home...forget the money and many days with strangers...we wouldve got past all that. Right now he is back in Montana and so are my nieces, not sure what day but he is getting married in a few days or so. I'm not sure but I think its possible that they aren't coming back. He wasnt just my brother, he was like a best friend...he is the one family member that felt like REAL family. We understood eachother...when I was using all those years he asked me to stay away, but after I got better he came around again. He asked me to take my nephew 2 summers in a row. We had comic books, star wars, star trek, music, movies, sci fi, books, horror...if it wasn't for his lack of emotion, compasion and empathy...he could almost be my twin. And the girls..oh god the girls...one of them shares a middle name with me...they were like the children I cant have. I have been cussed at by one and a few days ago the other removed me from her friends list. All I wanted to do was go home...this wasnt suppose to happen...my brother was suppose to say "ok I understand, i will see when I get home". I am not even angry anymore...I want my family back and its too late now, too much has been said and done. No one understands, every one else is still angry or never cared for him to begin with...no one gets it that this is tearing me apart! Fuck and monday is Marty's anniversary and Thursday is Thanksgiving and Dec 12th is mom's birthday and Christmas right after that....how do I get through all this now? I will send him my love until he feels it...mom could! How do I make this right? Can I make this right?

OMG I think I get it!!

I have been working steps in recovery and now I am on the one about making amends. Many horrible events happened between me and my mother and amends couldn't be made before she died in 1997. In fact one month before that as she boarded a bus to leave me again, I turned my back on her and walked away when she said she loved me. I have discovered that I not only need to make amends to her but also to myself and have been trying really hard to do so. I wrote a letter to my mother saying everything that I ever needed to say but couldn't or wouldn't and I forgave her for everything. After me and my sponsor burned that letter, I expected some immediate healing...a burning bush or some shit. Well here I am almost 3 months later and until a couple days ago, there was no sign of change, growth, or healing. I was downloading music and for some reason (totally not me cause I don't listen to this stuff) I looked up some Christina Aguilera songs there were 3 I knew so I downloaded them. There staring me in the face was a song called "Hurt"...without knowing anything about it or ever hearing it before I downloaded it. OMG I think I am beginning to get it now! I am placing the lyrics, hopefully you will understand too.

HURT by Christina Aguilera
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide cause its you I miss
You know its so hard to say good bye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong
Would you help me understand
Are you looking down upon me
Are you proud of who I am
Theres nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away
Oh its dangerous
Its so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself.....By hurting you

Reality Check

In all my years of desperation with using obscene amounts of dope and numerous sucide attempts or self harmings that could've gone too far, I have never once stopped to really think of the impact that my death would have on those who really do love me. Most of the time I was too busy telling myself that no one would care or that I didn't care. On the morning of October 30th while I was in Montana and everyone was getting ready for the wedding later that afternoon, something happened. At first there was just talk of a fire truck and ambulance, no shock or wonder there with so much going on. Then someone was out on the deck that faces another apartment building and they heard that a girl had committed suicide. There was a force bigger than myself that drew me to that deck and right now I am grateful for being nosy. After the fire truck and ambulance left the police showed up. Shortly after that someone carried her little girl out of the apartment and handed her to a family member. A little while later someone came up to that family member with the dead girl's cat, when he took the cat I saw him hug it to his chest and I cried. At one point a girl maybe her sister pulled up to the apartment, not knowing what had happened. When she saw the male family member who was there she was happy to see him until he told her. Oh my god, the pain I saw, the screams I heard, her falling to the ground bawling....I don't want to ever do that to anyone. When the coroner arrived, I stopped watching....I didn't have the willingness to see her body wheeled out on a gurny. I overheard some old ladies gossiping about the girl and the events that happened. She was just 24, she was addicted to pills, and drank heavily. It was said that she wouldn't have done it purposely because she wouldn't do that to her little girl. I have done a lot of thinking and feeling about the events that morning. I have had moments in my life when I have sliced my skin, taken bottles of pills, and held a gun in my mouth....each time I was hoping to cut deep enough, take just enough, or have the courage to pull the trigger. I have used every drug I could ever get my hands on and I have used them in excesses sometimes just to get higher but other times in hopes to die. I have had nights where I have begged and pleaded to never wake up, I have thought that everyone would be better without me. Ok so say one of those times would've killed me.....how would my baby sister would have found out? Who would've found me? Who would take care of my pets? Who would hold my husband's hand at my funeral? How would anyone be able to explain it to my nieces and nephew? How would I be able to stop my loved ones from blaming themselves? How could they ever know how much I love them? It is selfish to want to die, it is cowardly, its the easy way out...but what isnt easy is what is left behind for those who love the person who died. Its all suicide, not just the actual actions to take life, but the using drugs and alcohol in excess, the risky behaviors, and the not taking care of myself. I don't want to put my loved ones through it...I need to find a way to make the desperation that I feel from time to time go away.