All I Wanted to Do Was Go Home

All of my life I have just been wanting to go home in some way or another. When I was in foster homes and the group home as a teenager, home was the only thing I wanted. Once I got home and my world had changed, all I wanted was the home I thought I remembered from before. Every time I left to live in another state, it was home I thought I was coming home to on a bus. For many years my version of wanting to go home was the same as when my mother would say it in tears..heaven. It occured to me that up til now, I never really had a home, just a glass house. Home is a place where you feel safe and loved. Home is a place where you can retreat when the world outside is moving too fast. Home is where you won't be judged for your thoughts, emotions, or even mental illness. I have a home now with a husband that loves me who has made this my home. That last week in October...all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't want to lose my brother and nieces. I didn't want to be hated, called hurtful names, or told that he hopes I die. We went to Montana for what was suppose to be his wedding. Before we left, he informed us that he didn't have enough money to get there and asked if we could loan him money and he woule pay us back that Friday. We got dumped at his fiance's brothers with my nephew Wednesday while he took off 300 miles away to his bitch's house but not before asking for 20 of the 25 dollars we had left. The brother that were staying with and his fiance were to get married on Saturday too (double wedding), thank the gods and goddesses that they were decent people who let us stay there, fed us, and even gave us smokes when we ran out. My brother had to stay where he was 300 miles away til Friday when he could get money out of his account, plus because of his unplanned, never prepareness-he wasn't gonna be able to get married because money and marriage license had to be to the judge 2 days prior to the wedding. My brother, his 2 daughters, his fiance, and her 2 kids finally showed up Saturday morning. He told me that his check was smaller than he thought it would be and that he could only give me $20...we left home with $150! We all got ready for the wedding, since the couple we were staying with were smart enough to get all the stuff done so they could marry. I enjoyed helping the bride get ready for the wedding and afterward we offered to watch the child so that they could go stay in a motel. My brother's whore was the complete oppisite of her brother, I already knew all this from the drama she caused everyday when my brother wasn't there. Everytime I said anything she gave nasty looks, at one point after the wedding I walked up to her and my brother to talk to him, she gave me a dirty look and then blatently turned around with her back to me. Right after the reception everyone who showed up that morning got back in the car and again went 300 miles away, we were still stuck with no money, hurt feelings, and tempers flaring. It was revealed to us the next day that it would take my brother another day to get back to us so we could go home...home thats all I fucking wanted! I called my dad to get us bus tickets and made sure that my brother's cunt's brother and his wife were ok with my nephew staying with them til my brother got there. I texted my brother to tell him we were going home and he began making threats. Words were said, everyone got angry and hurt...in the end we all lost someone. We had a layover in Denver and my phone was working there, I had one text from my brother...You are dead to me. When I got home, on facebook and another site..the same words. When our mother died I asked him how he was doing, and said "She was dead to me a long time ago". Over the past few weeks way too much has happened and way too fast. My nephew refuses to go to his house on home visits, my brother's ex wife who was unaware of his plans of moving to Montana with their children now knows, and child services has been emailed pictures of his disgusting house. I have been called a judus bitch plus many other names and I have been told by him that he hopes I die. I didnt mean for any of this to happen, I just wanted to go home...forget the money and many days with strangers...we wouldve got past all that. Right now he is back in Montana and so are my nieces, not sure what day but he is getting married in a few days or so. I'm not sure but I think its possible that they aren't coming back. He wasnt just my brother, he was like a best friend...he is the one family member that felt like REAL family. We understood eachother...when I was using all those years he asked me to stay away, but after I got better he came around again. He asked me to take my nephew 2 summers in a row. We had comic books, star wars, star trek, music, movies, sci fi, books, horror...if it wasn't for his lack of emotion, compasion and empathy...he could almost be my twin. And the girls..oh god the girls...one of them shares a middle name with me...they were like the children I cant have. I have been cussed at by one and a few days ago the other removed me from her friends list. All I wanted to do was go home...this wasnt suppose to happen...my brother was suppose to say "ok I understand, i will see when I get home". I am not even angry anymore...I want my family back and its too late now, too much has been said and done. No one understands, every one else is still angry or never cared for him to begin with...no one gets it that this is tearing me apart! Fuck and monday is Marty's anniversary and Thursday is Thanksgiving and Dec 12th is mom's birthday and Christmas right after that....how do I get through all this now? I will send him my love until he feels it...mom could! How do I make this right? Can I make this right?