Reality Check

In all my years of desperation with using obscene amounts of dope and numerous sucide attempts or self harmings that could've gone too far, I have never once stopped to really think of the impact that my death would have on those who really do love me. Most of the time I was too busy telling myself that no one would care or that I didn't care. On the morning of October 30th while I was in Montana and everyone was getting ready for the wedding later that afternoon, something happened. At first there was just talk of a fire truck and ambulance, no shock or wonder there with so much going on. Then someone was out on the deck that faces another apartment building and they heard that a girl had committed suicide. There was a force bigger than myself that drew me to that deck and right now I am grateful for being nosy. After the fire truck and ambulance left the police showed up. Shortly after that someone carried her little girl out of the apartment and handed her to a family member. A little while later someone came up to that family member with the dead girl's cat, when he took the cat I saw him hug it to his chest and I cried. At one point a girl maybe her sister pulled up to the apartment, not knowing what had happened. When she saw the male family member who was there she was happy to see him until he told her. Oh my god, the pain I saw, the screams I heard, her falling to the ground bawling....I don't want to ever do that to anyone. When the coroner arrived, I stopped watching....I didn't have the willingness to see her body wheeled out on a gurny. I overheard some old ladies gossiping about the girl and the events that happened. She was just 24, she was addicted to pills, and drank heavily. It was said that she wouldn't have done it purposely because she wouldn't do that to her little girl. I have done a lot of thinking and feeling about the events that morning. I have had moments in my life when I have sliced my skin, taken bottles of pills, and held a gun in my mouth....each time I was hoping to cut deep enough, take just enough, or have the courage to pull the trigger. I have used every drug I could ever get my hands on and I have used them in excesses sometimes just to get higher but other times in hopes to die. I have had nights where I have begged and pleaded to never wake up, I have thought that everyone would be better without me. Ok so say one of those times would've killed me.....how would my baby sister would have found out? Who would've found me? Who would take care of my pets? Who would hold my husband's hand at my funeral? How would anyone be able to explain it to my nieces and nephew? How would I be able to stop my loved ones from blaming themselves? How could they ever know how much I love them? It is selfish to want to die, it is cowardly, its the easy way out...but what isnt easy is what is left behind for those who love the person who died. Its all suicide, not just the actual actions to take life, but the using drugs and alcohol in excess, the risky behaviors, and the not taking care of myself. I don't want to put my loved ones through it...I need to find a way to make the desperation that I feel from time to time go away.