Dear Marty,
Seven years ago I lost you and for a while I lost me too. Before you left us you moved me out of that black hole of a town that keeps so many stuck there, carcasses with no souls, zombies with only 2 desires, meth and more. You wanted to give me a chance, you wanted me to have a life. When your life ended I had already been using still, but after you were gone I used even more. I could never let go of you or heal because I used instead of coping...when I felt pain I used some more. I hope that you are proud now when you check in on me. I have more time clean than I have had since I was 12 on February 2nd I will have 2 years. It amazes me everyday how many things I once thought to be impossible really aren't and that I of all people am accomplishing them. I never planned to love after you, I thought it impossible to find real love, but here I sit happily married for over 5 years and still madly in love with him. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would make it to college, now I am a term and a half away from graduation and if I keep my grades where they are or higher, I will graduate with honors. Other things you wanted for me: to have my family back, to see the miracles everywhere, to stop being selfish and give back somehow, to sing and dance again, to love myself and others again, to hope, to dream, to heal, to let go, to smile, to laugh, to make myself and the world a better place: to just be happy: to live! I can't tell you that I have every one of these things every minute, hour, day, or even week but the point is that I have them again. All the things you wanted for me I am striving to have and to hold on to, but I believe that wherever you are your hopes, wishes, dreams for me have helped me. I dreaded this day for the past month, I thought I would fall to pieces today. You know what? I think I am going to be ok. I miss you with every fiber of my being, but I accept that you are gone and that I am powerless over it..I can't bring you back and holding on as tightly as I have has only caused me more pain. I am willing to let you go Marty, though at times I might pull you back, but the point is that I am willing. I don't have to hold on to hold you in my heart and I don't have to be sad when I remember what we had. I will always love you, always miss you, always remember you, and I will always cherish you.
So now I want to thank you. Thank you for that smile the one that made your eyes sparkle, thank you for finding me, thank you for holding me, thank you for loving me, thank you for listening, thank you for talking to me, thank you the memories, thank you for the feeling, and above all else: thank you for believing in me. Today I will not mourn your death, instead I will celebrate your life and for once smile when I think of you...I hope that makes you smile, that's how I'll remember you, I made you happy for a while.
I will love you forever and miss you til we meet again!
Ruth <3
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