OMG I think I get it!!

I have been working steps in recovery and now I am on the one about making amends. Many horrible events happened between me and my mother and amends couldn't be made before she died in 1997. In fact one month before that as she boarded a bus to leave me again, I turned my back on her and walked away when she said she loved me. I have discovered that I not only need to make amends to her but also to myself and have been trying really hard to do so. I wrote a letter to my mother saying everything that I ever needed to say but couldn't or wouldn't and I forgave her for everything. After me and my sponsor burned that letter, I expected some immediate healing...a burning bush or some shit. Well here I am almost 3 months later and until a couple days ago, there was no sign of change, growth, or healing. I was downloading music and for some reason (totally not me cause I don't listen to this stuff) I looked up some Christina Aguilera songs there were 3 I knew so I downloaded them. There staring me in the face was a song called "Hurt"...without knowing anything about it or ever hearing it before I downloaded it. OMG I think I am beginning to get it now! I am placing the lyrics, hopefully you will understand too.

HURT by Christina Aguilera
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide cause its you I miss
You know its so hard to say good bye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong
Would you help me understand
Are you looking down upon me
Are you proud of who I am
Theres nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away
Oh its dangerous
Its so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself.....By hurting you