Immortality

If nothing else tells the world what bipolar is, it the the ones (like me) who are obsessed with vampires. Vampires are as we all well know, immortal: meaning cannot die no matter what kind of mental anguish they are in. In the immortal words of Freddy Mercury, who wants to live forever? I look at vampires and fall in love with their immortality and that they in a way live many lives. But yet in my life I carry so much pain. I really don't think that they give vampires Lithium or Valium. I am not saying that after typing this I am going to throw out every vampire book, dvd, or other items and swear off them...not ever gonna happen. I am just saying that it is an odd choice and I am not alone in this. Look at the majority of true vampire fanatics..how many of them have issues such as depression or bibolar? Immortality would mean having to live forever with what is in my head. Having to watch everyone I ever care about grow old and die. Look at the Anne Rice novels or even Dracula...there was great pain carried with them into their immortal lives and they suffered terribly from it. One good point to being immortal would be that any suicide attempts, addictions, or self harm would be useless. But still, I can't stand my pain now and eventually I will die and the pain will end. Yes I will see loved ones die in my life, but it won't be all of them. I think that I would actually be a terrible vampire, I would have Lestat complaining about my whinning all the time. Perhaps the attraction to vampires is because of the ones that are able to completly forget their human lives as well as the feelings. I don't know, I am just reambling now. I had this thought and had to get it out of my head. FYI I am still in love with vampires and yes if offered I would still become one...who knows maybe it would be different.

November 22 Congratulations Bubby

I know I will never get the chance to have my brother back now that everything has been said and done, but I still love him no matter what. I found out that around 3PM today, he will be getting married. So I am sending out "Congratulations Bubby" and wishes of good luck through the voice in my heart..I hope he hears it, even if he ignores it.

November 22 Thank You Marty

Dear Marty,
     Seven years ago I lost you and for a while I lost me too. Before you left us you moved me out of that black hole of a town that keeps so many stuck there, carcasses with no souls, zombies with only 2 desires, meth and more. You wanted to give me a chance, you wanted me to have a life. When your life ended I had already been using still, but after you were gone I used even more. I could never let go of you or heal because I used instead of coping...when I felt pain I used some more. I hope that you are proud now when you check in on me. I have more time clean than I have had since I was 12 on February 2nd I will have 2 years. It amazes me everyday how many things I once thought to be impossible really aren't and that I of all people am accomplishing them. I never planned to love after you, I thought it impossible to find real love, but here I sit happily married for over 5 years and still madly in love with him. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would make it to college, now I am a term and a half away from graduation and if I keep my grades where they are or higher, I will graduate with honors. Other things you wanted for me: to have my family back, to see the miracles everywhere, to stop being selfish and give back somehow, to sing and dance again, to love myself and others again, to hope, to dream, to heal, to let go, to smile, to laugh, to make myself and the world a better place: to just be happy: to live! I can't tell you that I have every one of these things every minute, hour, day, or even week but the point is that I have them again. All the things you wanted for me I am striving to have and to hold on to, but I believe that wherever you are your hopes, wishes, dreams for me have helped me. I dreaded this day for the past month, I thought I would fall to pieces today. You know what? I think I am going to be ok. I miss you with every fiber of my being, but I accept that you are gone and that I am powerless over it..I can't bring you back and holding on as tightly as I have has only caused me more pain. I am willing to let you go Marty, though at times I might pull you back, but the point is that I am willing. I don't have to hold on to hold you in my heart and I don't have to be sad when I remember what we had. I will always love you, always miss you, always remember you, and I will always cherish you.
     So now I want to thank you. Thank you for that smile the one that made your eyes sparkle, thank you for finding me, thank you for holding me, thank you for loving me, thank you for listening, thank you for talking to me, thank you the memories, thank you for the feeling, and above all else: thank you for believing in me. Today I will not mourn your death, instead I will celebrate your life and for once smile when I think of you...I hope that makes you smile, that's how I'll remember you, I made you happy for a while.
I will love you forever and miss you til we meet again!
Ruth <3

All I Wanted to Do Was Go Home

All of my life I have just been wanting to go home in some way or another. When I was in foster homes and the group home as a teenager, home was the only thing I wanted. Once I got home and my world had changed, all I wanted was the home I thought I remembered from before. Every time I left to live in another state, it was home I thought I was coming home to on a bus. For many years my version of wanting to go home was the same as when my mother would say it in tears..heaven. It occured to me that up til now, I never really had a home, just a glass house. Home is a place where you feel safe and loved. Home is a place where you can retreat when the world outside is moving too fast. Home is where you won't be judged for your thoughts, emotions, or even mental illness. I have a home now with a husband that loves me who has made this my home. That last week in October...all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't want to lose my brother and nieces. I didn't want to be hated, called hurtful names, or told that he hopes I die. We went to Montana for what was suppose to be his wedding. Before we left, he informed us that he didn't have enough money to get there and asked if we could loan him money and he woule pay us back that Friday. We got dumped at his fiance's brothers with my nephew Wednesday while he took off 300 miles away to his bitch's house but not before asking for 20 of the 25 dollars we had left. The brother that were staying with and his fiance were to get married on Saturday too (double wedding), thank the gods and goddesses that they were decent people who let us stay there, fed us, and even gave us smokes when we ran out. My brother had to stay where he was 300 miles away til Friday when he could get money out of his account, plus because of his unplanned, never prepareness-he wasn't gonna be able to get married because money and marriage license had to be to the judge 2 days prior to the wedding. My brother, his 2 daughters, his fiance, and her 2 kids finally showed up Saturday morning. He told me that his check was smaller than he thought it would be and that he could only give me $20...we left home with $150! We all got ready for the wedding, since the couple we were staying with were smart enough to get all the stuff done so they could marry. I enjoyed helping the bride get ready for the wedding and afterward we offered to watch the child so that they could go stay in a motel. My brother's whore was the complete oppisite of her brother, I already knew all this from the drama she caused everyday when my brother wasn't there. Everytime I said anything she gave nasty looks, at one point after the wedding I walked up to her and my brother to talk to him, she gave me a dirty look and then blatently turned around with her back to me. Right after the reception everyone who showed up that morning got back in the car and again went 300 miles away, we were still stuck with no money, hurt feelings, and tempers flaring. It was revealed to us the next day that it would take my brother another day to get back to us so we could go home...home thats all I fucking wanted! I called my dad to get us bus tickets and made sure that my brother's cunt's brother and his wife were ok with my nephew staying with them til my brother got there. I texted my brother to tell him we were going home and he began making threats. Words were said, everyone got angry and hurt...in the end we all lost someone. We had a layover in Denver and my phone was working there, I had one text from my brother...You are dead to me. When I got home, on facebook and another site..the same words. When our mother died I asked him how he was doing, and said "She was dead to me a long time ago". Over the past few weeks way too much has happened and way too fast. My nephew refuses to go to his house on home visits, my brother's ex wife who was unaware of his plans of moving to Montana with their children now knows, and child services has been emailed pictures of his disgusting house. I have been called a judus bitch plus many other names and I have been told by him that he hopes I die. I didnt mean for any of this to happen, I just wanted to go home...forget the money and many days with strangers...we wouldve got past all that. Right now he is back in Montana and so are my nieces, not sure what day but he is getting married in a few days or so. I'm not sure but I think its possible that they aren't coming back. He wasnt just my brother, he was like a best friend...he is the one family member that felt like REAL family. We understood eachother...when I was using all those years he asked me to stay away, but after I got better he came around again. He asked me to take my nephew 2 summers in a row. We had comic books, star wars, star trek, music, movies, sci fi, books, horror...if it wasn't for his lack of emotion, compasion and empathy...he could almost be my twin. And the girls..oh god the girls...one of them shares a middle name with me...they were like the children I cant have. I have been cussed at by one and a few days ago the other removed me from her friends list. All I wanted to do was go home...this wasnt suppose to happen...my brother was suppose to say "ok I understand, i will see when I get home". I am not even angry anymore...I want my family back and its too late now, too much has been said and done. No one understands, every one else is still angry or never cared for him to begin with...no one gets it that this is tearing me apart! Fuck and monday is Marty's anniversary and Thursday is Thanksgiving and Dec 12th is mom's birthday and Christmas right after that....how do I get through all this now? I will send him my love until he feels it...mom could! How do I make this right? Can I make this right?

OMG I think I get it!!

I have been working steps in recovery and now I am on the one about making amends. Many horrible events happened between me and my mother and amends couldn't be made before she died in 1997. In fact one month before that as she boarded a bus to leave me again, I turned my back on her and walked away when she said she loved me. I have discovered that I not only need to make amends to her but also to myself and have been trying really hard to do so. I wrote a letter to my mother saying everything that I ever needed to say but couldn't or wouldn't and I forgave her for everything. After me and my sponsor burned that letter, I expected some immediate healing...a burning bush or some shit. Well here I am almost 3 months later and until a couple days ago, there was no sign of change, growth, or healing. I was downloading music and for some reason (totally not me cause I don't listen to this stuff) I looked up some Christina Aguilera songs there were 3 I knew so I downloaded them. There staring me in the face was a song called "Hurt"...without knowing anything about it or ever hearing it before I downloaded it. OMG I think I am beginning to get it now! I am placing the lyrics, hopefully you will understand too.

HURT by Christina Aguilera
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide cause its you I miss
You know its so hard to say good bye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong
Would you help me understand
Are you looking down upon me
Are you proud of who I am
Theres nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away
Oh its dangerous
Its so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself.....By hurting you

Reality Check

In all my years of desperation with using obscene amounts of dope and numerous sucide attempts or self harmings that could've gone too far, I have never once stopped to really think of the impact that my death would have on those who really do love me. Most of the time I was too busy telling myself that no one would care or that I didn't care. On the morning of October 30th while I was in Montana and everyone was getting ready for the wedding later that afternoon, something happened. At first there was just talk of a fire truck and ambulance, no shock or wonder there with so much going on. Then someone was out on the deck that faces another apartment building and they heard that a girl had committed suicide. There was a force bigger than myself that drew me to that deck and right now I am grateful for being nosy. After the fire truck and ambulance left the police showed up. Shortly after that someone carried her little girl out of the apartment and handed her to a family member. A little while later someone came up to that family member with the dead girl's cat, when he took the cat I saw him hug it to his chest and I cried. At one point a girl maybe her sister pulled up to the apartment, not knowing what had happened. When she saw the male family member who was there she was happy to see him until he told her. Oh my god, the pain I saw, the screams I heard, her falling to the ground bawling....I don't want to ever do that to anyone. When the coroner arrived, I stopped watching....I didn't have the willingness to see her body wheeled out on a gurny. I overheard some old ladies gossiping about the girl and the events that happened. She was just 24, she was addicted to pills, and drank heavily. It was said that she wouldn't have done it purposely because she wouldn't do that to her little girl. I have done a lot of thinking and feeling about the events that morning. I have had moments in my life when I have sliced my skin, taken bottles of pills, and held a gun in my mouth....each time I was hoping to cut deep enough, take just enough, or have the courage to pull the trigger. I have used every drug I could ever get my hands on and I have used them in excesses sometimes just to get higher but other times in hopes to die. I have had nights where I have begged and pleaded to never wake up, I have thought that everyone would be better without me. Ok so say one of those times would've killed me.....how would my baby sister would have found out? Who would've found me? Who would take care of my pets? Who would hold my husband's hand at my funeral? How would anyone be able to explain it to my nieces and nephew? How would I be able to stop my loved ones from blaming themselves? How could they ever know how much I love them? It is selfish to want to die, it is cowardly, its the easy way out...but what isnt easy is what is left behind for those who love the person who died. Its all suicide, not just the actual actions to take life, but the using drugs and alcohol in excess, the risky behaviors, and the not taking care of myself. I don't want to put my loved ones through it...I need to find a way to make the desperation that I feel from time to time go away.

"You are dead to me"

Before my mother died she had hurt alot of us, my brother dealt with it by shutting her out. After she died he said to me that she was dead to him long before she died. This past week I went to Montana for what was suppose to be his wedding. Alot of shit happened on both our parts and in the end me and my husband took a bus home. We had a layover in Denver and amazingly my phone worked there. I had a text from my brother "You are dead to me." He knew what those words would do to me and it worked, I am hurt. But there is nothing I can do whats done is done, I am not sorry, I was not wrong and I know from experience that he will never admit to his part. So right now its just about moving forward.

Leave Out All The Rest

"I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared but no one would listen, cause no one else cared. After my dreaming I woke with this fear, what am I leaving when I'm done here. So if you're asking me I want you to know....When my time comes forget the wrong that I've done, help me leave behind some reasons to be missed and don't resent me when you're feeling empty..keep me in your memory leave out all the rest...LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST" Linkin Park

I grew up hearing that when a person dies we are not suppose to talk ill of them again and that we are suppose to only remember the good. With some it is easy enough to do, but sometimes hurts are too great to just forget. When my mom died, for a while I only remembered how wonderful she was and how much she loved us all. But that faded a few years ago when I remembered all the bad that outweighs the good. I have decided that I don't want to leave behind unresolved hurts when I go. I don't want those who love me to go through what I do. It is when people die and leave behind unfinished business that their loved one are unable to let go. I know that I have caused alot of wreckage during my many many years of using not only drugs and alcohol but people too. I thought that no one else's feelings mattered to me, I prided myself in not caring...but I do care and I always have. I am about to start making amends...I made my list of people I owe amends to in the last step and I have been procrastinating on getting to making the amends. I think I am ready to pick the step back up, I have to clean up the hurts I have caused in the past and then not cause hurts in the future. If I forget someone, I really hope that they can Leave Out All The Rest!

I still miss you-I'm still grieving

Seven years ago around this time was the last time you were by my side, though we both know you were already gone I just didn't know it at the time. You came to Norfolk for the weekend and we spent the whole time at my dad's high. It was one of the best and then worst memories I have of you. While you were with me it was like you were never gone. I believed you when you said that you would come there to stay, that is until you left. The entire weekend I was lying to myself, but the moment you left I knew that you were gone. As I watched your truck drive away I had that knowing feeling deep inside my heart, head, and the most truth telling-my stomach. When I went inside I tried to hide in the nearest room, but of course Candi followed. She tried to assure me that you would return, but I knew better and I cried. Perhaps that's why, or perhaps it was the drugs, that I was able to let go of our relationship and try to move on. I figured that you would move on too, that you would be okay and perhaps one day we would run into each other when I went to GI to visit. This was seven years ago sometime around right now. I wish I could remember exactly, but I was just as heavily using in Norfolk as we were in GI so all of those days until the day you were killed are kind of hazy. It must have been divine influence that I just happened to be home on November 22nd when PoppaWop called Candi's phone, because I was high and usually I was never there when I was high. At first I didn't understand what he was telling me, he had to repeat parts of it several times. My mind just couldn't put it together that he was actually talking about you. The Marty I knew wouldn't have been there, but it is true that the last time I saw you, you were gone. Once I put everything he was saying together I was too upset to hold on to the phone and stand. I am not sure but I think that Candi got on the phone to find out what was wrong. I couldn't and didn't want to believe it, I even called Tracy and Ramey to try and get a different truth. Ramey said it was bullshit, but Tracy was at the bar and you were already on the news. I don't remember the rest of that day except that Barry was there, he knew how much I loved you and waited patiently until we were over. I never loved him like he loved me, but I am grateful he was there...now he is in heaven too. The next day we watched Romeo and Juliet and at the end he whispered that I had better not do the same...how the hell did he know the reason I chose that movie? My friend Ryan came to Norfolk to get me so I could go to GI and find out the details and when the funeral was going to be. We met PoppaWop at the bar and from there we went to your dad's. I hugged him and hugged Pegamoose...I can't fucking believe that all this shit was over her! Ok so it wasn't, she was just the jumping point, the drugs are the beginning. Between your dad and PoppaWop, I got the entire story and I was in shock...honestly I can't remember feeling anything. I promised your dad that I would keep in contact, I did for a while and I think I need to again. When we left there I was taken to Stacy's apartment and thats when I remember feeling again...it was anger, jealousy, and pure hatred. She flaunted all of your stuff and your pictures and told of all the great times you had together....funny only 2 months before that you hated her, but I never told her that. Then I felt a feeling that I have to carry with me everyday...truly loved. She told me that you talked about me, how much you loved me, how much you missed me, and that everything fell apart once I was gone. She told me that you moved me to Norfolk because you wanted me to have a chance, get off the drugs, and have a normal life...you knew that I would never have a chance in GI, the meth capital of the world. Stacy assured me that it broke your heart, but that you thought I deserved a chance. I guess you didn't realize that in Norfolk, I could find dope just as easy. Stacy gave me your goofy hat (the one you put on that day and acted silly) and she also gave me a purse. I hadn't used in many many hours so I went the one place I knew to find some sort of drug, Janele's. While me and Ryan sat there smoking pot, she went on about how rightious your death was, how you went out in a blaze of glory, made it on the front page and the top news...she said that you would have wanted it this way. No amount of weed could have stopped me from the hate I felt for her right then. How could the one person that had lost her mother and understood when I was sad about mine, possibly be trying to tell me that this was ok? There is nothing about it that is ok...it will never be "ok". When I left her apartment all I wanted was to escape, I didn't want to be in GI feeling, I wanted to go home and be high...so I left. When I got home I did get high, but then I went to bed for a while...I remember Candi making me come out for Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't think I ate that much...I went back to bed. I realized that I didn't just want to be high, I wanted to be with you...I wanted to die. I was on a path of self-destruction and I didn't care who I hurt along the way. Barry was over supportive, but eventually I drove him to the point of having Ryan take me to Columbus. Ryan was a good enabler and I used every drug he had, plus when Barry came to visit, I used his. I stopped letting others prepare my hits and I put obscene amounts on those spoons. Everyone I used with voiced concerns or got uncomfortable over the amounts I used...yet no one had the courage to stop me. I thought no one knew, but no that I am clean I know they did...I was trying to join you. Even being high couldn't stop the thoughts, feelings, and memories. March 2004 I became sick but continued using...a few days later Ryan was telling me that I was sick (I had a fever so bad I was shaking) but I was still asking him for more dope. That's the last thing I remember that day, I didn't get anymore dope, instead I passed out and taken to the hospital. I think it was the next day that I woke up, confused with Ryan standing there worried. The doctor said that I had contracted a blood infection that had spread throughout my body because I didn't get help right away. He said that I almost died....I got scared. I just wanted to stop hurting, I didn't want to miss you anymore or live with what happened...I thought the only cure was death. I went to treatment in Lincoln and I even stayed clean for almost 2 years. I met perhaps the only man that I could ever love this much, I didn't ever think I could love this much. I am back on track, I have over 20 months clean and I really think that you would be proud of me. I am taking your wish for me to heart because today I know that I have a chance...I just wish you had. I am working steps and part of them is letting go, making amends, and forgiving myself...I am not sure I can do all these things. Most of the time a thought of you makes me smile, but there are still dark times when I am selfish I'd rather have you here...like this time of year. Hopefully this won't last til after Thanksgiving.

Goodbye   11-18-2005
If I had known that night, it was our last goodbye-I would've begged you not to go
I would've cried, I would've tried-but there was no way for us to know
Time can pass so quickly-I can't believe I've come this far
When it seems like just yesterday that I held you in my arms
For a while I felt as if I couldn't go on-Meth was my escape
It seemed as if your path was the one that I would take
I was almost there, thankfully I got scared-I guess the heavens will have to wait
It was hard and there are scars, but at least I'm not too late
Now I live for me and I live for you-I hope that makes you smile
Cause that's the way I'll remember you-I made you happy for a while
Life goes on, I have moved on-I am ready to say goodbye
That doesn't mean I won't think of you-I will live on and let you die
Goodbye
Perhaps if I say it enough times it will be true! I love you Marty, I miss you Marty...please smile!

Letter to the toothless monster

As a part of healing myself, it has been suggested that I write letters to some people who I can't say what I need to say in person either by death or because it will cause harm in some way. I am currently trying to write one to my abuser and I have writer's block. It was easy to write about what he did to my little sister, but when it was time to start about myself I couldn't think. I have thought to pick up and try again for days now but I can't seem to find the courage to do so. Perhaps I am scared that the pain I already feel will hurt double that. Maybe I am just not ready to face this or I am not willing to let go of this anger, hatred, and the blame and shame I have put on myself. That would be crazy though, right?

Warning This is a dangerous thought pattern, what I would change if I could

I know that we are suppose to live just for today because yesterday is gone and we can't predict the future....but if I could go back....

I would give more hugs and say I love you a billion more times.
I would be the big sister I should have been.
I would treat my mother with respect.
I would not start smoking, drinking, or using drugs.
I would not have dropped the charges the first time.
I would not have beat up that house parent which got me kicked out of the best place I ever knew.
I would stay in school, go to homecoming, go to prom, and graduate.
I would be true to myself and others.
I would hold out for true love.
I would be there.
I would hold on to loved ones while they were here.
I would say what I mean and mean what I say.
I would let go.

But since I can't go back I guess I need to work on what I can do today, besides if it wasn't for all the moments I wish I had done differently, I wouldn't be who I am, where I am, or with the people I am now.

Losing My Religion but Gaining Spirituality

I grew up with a preacher for a grandfather and a grandmother who played the organ in our Nazarene church. I attended every Sunday morning, Wednesday nights, youth fundraisers, and I went to church camp during the summer. I knew all of the stories, comandments, what to do, what not to do, and I even had every chapter's name memorized in order from Genisis to Revelations. I sung every song, recited every prayer, participated in every program, and even began doing Bible Debating there towards the end. I was suppose to believe everything that the church told me about how we got here, all the miracles that happened, what constitutes as a hell-worthy or heaven-worthy act, and that if I follow all of their rule, I will be saved. SAVED! That is such a funny concept now that I am where I am looking back. My grandparents were dead by the time I turned 12 years old and until then, they were the ones who took me to church and funded all of my after school activities. In a nutshell, they tried to save me from the insanity of drugs, alcohol, parties, and abuse that was going on at home. Once they were gone there was no one left to save me, not even God. Soon enough I found my little escapes . At first it was the little things I could control like not eating, exercizing, and acts of self harm. Later I began drinking, using drugs, sneaking out at night, skipping school, dating (sex), and eventually running away. Even after going to juvenile jail and being made a ward of the state, I had to keep escaping, it had become an addiction. When I got placed in a christian group home in a tiny town far away from home it seemed as if I was safe again, safe enough to not have to escape. I hated the local Mennonite churches, but I was doing good in school and had little problems with the rules. One summer we went to a college campus for camp and this college was affiliated with a church. This church seemed to make sense to me and my house parents found a way for me to be able to go there on the Sundays when I wasn't on home visits. Ahhh yes, the home visits....the stupidist thing ever thought of by this state when the home is still as insane as when the child was taken. Sure at the time I thought my weekends and weeks during the summer were the best, what teenager wouldn't? I got everything I wanted and was allowed to anything because my mother was too drunk to care or perhaps because she was trying to gain my forgiveness for the hell that was my childhood...who knows? Eventually I wanted to go home and that want was more powerful then my good grades, acceptance letters from universities, my friends, and the warm fuzzy feelings I recieved when I attended church or listened to my christian tapes. I had spent 3 years in that group home being as perfect as anyone could possibly be in hopes of being good enough to go home, yet I was still there with no hopes in the near future. Then one day, in a moment of extreme anger, I did something that was completely out of character for me, I beat the shit out of a house parent. I was then told that when it comes to violence, I would only get 2 chances and then they would kick me out....really bad thing to tell a 16 year old who wants to leave. So I waited about a week and decided one day, eventhough I was not angry, to beat the shit out of the same houseparent again. Perhaps that was the moment when I lost my religion for good. After that I was terrified that the judge would send me somewhere worse, now looking back, he did. I was sent back to live with my mother for the first time in 3 years. When her boyfriend began abusing me a few months later, I knew that there was no one, nothing, and there sure as hell wasn't the God I knew watching over me or protecting me. Over the years I have realized what any christian does not want their children to figure out and that is that I have the right to choose my own faith. Oh this is definently a right that I use to its fullest potential. Before the drugs became as heavy as they ended up getting, I had times of what some might call soul searching. I studied every religion, cult, myth, spirituality, science, and I even studied Satanism. I realize today that the only thing I have ever wanted was to have something to believe in because I couldn't believe in myself, God, or the people around me. I became interested in Native American spirituality, Asian cultures, Pagan religions, and the beliefs of gods and goddesses in many different countries around the world. I tried to just follow one, but it never worked for me, there was always something about it that I could pick apart with science and logic. The Pagan religions and beliefs made the most sense to me, but by then I was already too far into my drug use to really get into it. My many years of being assaulted, raped, used, having guns to my head, and doing unspeakable things to get more drugs were more evidence to me that the god I once knew had left me. The first time I went to treatment I was told that I had to have a higher power and that it didn't matter what my higher power was. This was so hard for me to believe with the word god in almost every sentence of the recovery book I had. But I chose a higher power, which at the time was exactly what it is now....the horned god and the mother goddess. I was actually told at that treatment center that I had chosen the wrong higher power, that my higher power wasn't "real enough" to keep me clean. I was high within 48 hours of leaving treatment. I had a couple of more treatment centers and one time I was able to stay clean for almost 2 years, but I didn't have anything to believe in because I couldn't believe in their god and I thought I wasn't allowed to have the higher powers that I wanted...the ones I could believe in. This time around I am doing this for me, which means I don't give a fuck if others disapprove of my beliefs. It is still hard in meetings when the word god is mentioned or during the serenity prayer, but I have learned to just skip that word. I also still have issues with others not liking my choices when it comes to spirituality. I have doubled my practices in Paganism and I have begun to study further into it. Today my higher power changes with each moment according to what is happening then. When I am in nature my higher power can be nature itself, or the gods and goddesses associated with every aspect of nature here on earth, above, or below. When I pray, there doesn't have to be a name to it...sometimes there is though since there are gods and goddesses associated to just about everything in life. I love to celebrate the sabbats, equinoxes, and solstices. I am able to look at the world around me and see the blessings in every season, animal, person, plant, or experience. I am also able to see all that is wrong and I feel compelled to make it right again. Have I chosen the right path of spirituality? For you, probably not, but for me....yes I have!

Ok this song I wrote is not me anymore but for you God fans here ya go

When the Storm Passes Over  by: ME April 6, 2006

When the storm passes over and the clouds blow by
When the thunder stops rolling and the lightening doesn't light.
I will stand with my maker and I will kneel before his throne.
I will be with my family and I will be forever home.

I will ride a white snowflake and I will taste the purest rain.
I will fly with an eagle and I'll never again feel pain.
I will bathe in the ocean and I will sleep on a cloud.
I will watch over loved ones and I will play my trumpet loud.

I will be ready and I won't be scared, I will ask the Lord's forgiveness and I will know he's always cared.
I will be ready, when the time may come, when the storm passes over I will know where I come from.

One more...for now

Goodbye  by: ME November 18, 2005
Dedicated to my female soulmate, my best friend, my lover, and my sacrifice

If I had known that night, it was our last goodbye I would've begged you not to go.
I would've cried, I would've tried but there was no way for us to know.
Time can pass so quickly, I can't believe I've come this far
When it seems like just yesterday that I held you in my arms.
For a while i felt as if I couldn't go on, Meth was my escape.
It seemed as if your path was the one that I would take.
I was almost there thankfully I got scared, I guess the Reaper will have to wait.
It was hard and there are scars, but at least I'm not too late.
Now I live for me and I live for you, I hope that makes you smile
Cause that's the way I'll remember you, I made you happy for a while.
Life goes on, I have moved on, I am ready to say goodbye
That doesn't mean I won't think of you, I will live and let you die.

Another Poem

Make it Okay  by: ME November 16, 2005

Momma had 3 children so she had to heal alot of hurts
Skinned knees, bike wrecks, cuts, bruises, and burns
We'd come to her in tears and she would just smile
She'd hug us and say, "It'll be okay in a little while"

Mommy would kiss all of our pain away
Wipe the tears from out eyes, make it a better day
She would hold us tight until everything was alright
She'd make it okay

Momma's life was filled with pain
She'd drink to forget, thought that wasn't the way
No more smile she'd show, only tears
Not even our love would make her put down that beer

We wished we could kiss all of her pain away
Wipe the tears from her eyes, make it a better day
We wanted to hold her tight until everything was alright
We couldn't make it okay

Momma died one night in May, now her pain is gone
We miss her so much and that hurt continues on and on

Mommy can you kiss all of our pain away?
Wipe the tears from out eyes, make it a better day?
Can you hold us tight until everything is alright?
Can you make it okay?

Lyrics Still Under Construction

Mommy's Little Angel by: ME 2001

Mommy's little Angel or a devil in disguise-Thinks she knows about life cause she's been with lots of guys-Angel loves to party and she likes to get high-Mommy's perfect boyfriend came to Angel in the night.

Mommy's little Angel ain't a baby no more-She's through with playing dress up and she's rotten to the core-Sweet mommy dearest, you made her that way-With the drinking, lies , and drugs then you turning her away-Did you wonder why her hatred for life was so grand? It's cause you taught your Angel to take the Devil's hand.

I Hate-yet another of my crappy poems

I Hate by: ME December 2002 Dedicated to the toothless monster

I hate to feel, hate to be, hate all of the eyes looking at me.
I hate to love, I hate to hate, I hate making decisions that become my fate.
I hate my body and my pretty face, somedays I hate the entire human race.
I hate being idle but yet I hate to try, I hate failing while life passes me by.
I hate leaving, hate having to stay, I hate hippocrites who kneel and pray.
I hate when people die while I have to live, I hate sharing, it's so hard to give.
I hate my glories and when I disappoint, I hate feeling better by smoking a joint.
I hate company but yet I hate to be alone, I hate calls from you on the telephone.
I hate being locked up and I hate being free, I hate being told that I need therapy.
I hate being wrong, hate it when I'm right, I hate to lose or win in a fight.
I hate small places and empty open space, but what I hate most of all is seeing your face.

Poem From Yester-year

Roo by: ME April 2003

You say that you can't understand why I do the things I do.
Why I break down, blow up, or cry out of the blue.
You critisize the way I live without knowing of my pain.
It will be okay as soon as I put another hole in my vein.
If you had walked in my shoes you would leave me be.
Perhaps even love me, as is cause this is the real me.
Next time I disappoint you by not doing what I should,
Know that I'd gladly change my past if only I could.
I'd trade all my pain to be just a little more like you.
But then I wouldn't be who I am, I'm content just being Roo!

My mood swings give me whiplash!

I think that the hardest aspect of having bipolar is not knowing when it will hit and being completely blindsided when it does. Right now it is too soon to know exactly which way I am going to go or even if it will be both. I do know that it is 1:30 in the morning and for some reason I felt it necessary to start writing about everything that I need to get out. I am a 33 year old recovering addict, recovering anorexic (sometimes), and I am trying to recover my shattered life. It's been said that when a person stops using drugs, they have the emotional intelligence of whatever age they started using....I guess that makes me about 12 or 13. I wonder though if childhood and even adulthood trauma changes that. Having survived and endured the horrors of my life should make me stronger...right? I suppose though that mental illness does bring it down. In recovery its all about living just for today, forgiving, making all our wrongs right, and letting go. I try and I try and I try some more. I get it right for a while but then I slip further than where I started. Right now, I have everything I could ever ask for and more. I have a wonderful husband who I love, who loves me for who I am and not the things I've done. I am 2 terms away from getting an Associate's degree in what I love doing. I have a seat on the student government and am the chair for one committee and part of another. I have been clean since February 2, 2009, I work the steps, I go to meetings, I call my sponsor, and I give back (perhaps too much at times). For the most part I am happy....most of the time. Then there are days, like today when I study every piece of broken glass on the sidewalk. Mornings when I wake up remembering those I've lost, like this morning. Times when I have to force myself to move, to go to meetings, to do schoolwork, to play online, to smile, and to breathe. Perhaps somewhere deep inside I know that I don't deserve the good shit I have. With all the horrible things I've done to stay high, to hurt people, to push people away, and to get what I wanted....karma is sure to take all my happiness away. Karma has taken so much already.....my childhood, my innocense, my mother, everyone I have ever loved or cared about, and my sanity. I don't want to be bipolar, who does? But I had plans when I chose to get off drugs, I was going to be normal. Now here I am stuck inside my head that is racing to fast for me to keep up and having to take more drugs that don't even work to supposedly level me out. How could anyone stand to be around me? I can't even stand myself. This isn't who I planned to be when I was younger....I was going to graduate from high school, go to UCLA, get a recording contract, fall in love, have a beautiful house, have lots of children, win a Grammy, and spend the rest of my life seeing the world. Where did I go wrong? I suppose my first memory of what went wrong was at about 4 years old. I woke up one night to a party and when I peeked my head out of my bedroom I saw my parents and their friends sitting around the table shooting up. Later that night I was awakened again to my mother screaming. I found her beating on my dad's chest because he had taken too much, the needle was still in his arm. The trauma continued as my dad began beating my mom up everytime he drank and my dad stopping loving me the moment my sister was born. By the age of 12, I began drinking, by 13 I was smoking pot, and by 14 I was experimenting with cocaine and LSD. I was in a group home from the age of 13 til I was 16 (when I assulted a house parents), but everyother weekend I went home and while I was there I did whatever and whoever I wanted. At 16, I was abused by my mom's boyfriend which happened off and on (whenever I missed my mom too much and went back), until I was 19. When I was 17, I found my escape which turned out to be my poison, Meth. From then on I was hooked, sure there were a few breaks at first, like when I ended up in a Psych hospital for almost blowing my head off or when I moved away....but this state is like a magnet and I always got pulled back to it and back to the meth. By the time I was 22 my using became an every event and not long after that I began shooting up. I found out that I could have a neverending supply if I became the dealer's girlfriend, so I did. When that dealer went away I found another, and another, and another. In 2003 I lost a girl that I loved more than I have ever loved before in a tragic shooting with police, after that all I wanted was death and I used as if death was what I wanted. Then I almost got it, I got sick, passed out, and woke up in a hospital and told I almost died. I got scared...and since then I have been working at getting and staying clean...this is my second attempt. I hope it is my last, as in I never use again, because I honestly don't believe that I have another attempt in me. Ok so here is the delima, I stopped using drugs to feel again, to be normal, and to not die.....ok so here I sit stuck in the worst feelings possible, not anywhere close to normal (more like seriously fucked up), and although I won't kill myself, my thoughts go to wishing I was dead. I keep some pieces of glass in a hiding spot, I have never used them (besides I self harm a different way) but I often think of my little shinys and I wonder if just cutting a little would help. Ok...I am kind of over this blogging thing for the night...Sweet dreams world!